What now, Christine? You’ve told yourself you’re ugly, weird and unlikable. Unlovable, in fact. You’ve literally stood in front of your reflection, looked yourself in the eye, and said these words out loud. And not just once, oh no. Every morning for the past, what, 3 months? Cool. Sooo… where do we go from here?
After being rejected from all four medical schools – to be honest? I was fine. I thought, ‘Alright, it eees what it eees.’ Now, this wasn’t before I let myself feel rubbish for a little while, but it was just a little while.
It wasn’t easy seeing all my friends getting excited about going to uni when I had no idea what I was going to do next. But, I don’t know, I guess I got over it before long. Partly because I’d convinced myself that I didn’t want it anymore, and partly because I knew that crying over it wasn’t going to change the situation.
I did end up re-applying and going to medical school after a last minute gap year, which I now know was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time.
My first year of uni, however, was… ‘interesting.’ *Insert creepy upside down smiling emoji.*
I explore the anxiety side of things in other posts, but today I’m going to attempt to scratch the surface of this ever-complex subject of ‘self.’
‘Not my love language’
Before university, I wasn’t really someone who’d particularly struggled with their self-esteem. I was quietly confident, had a lot of friends, and knew my family loved me. Better yet, I was saved! I was getting to know Jesus for myself for the first time. Sure, I had my insecurities, but who didn’t?
Despite how ready I thought I might have been, starting uni turned out to be one of the most stressful times of my life.
It wasn’t the work load. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been one of those “goody-two-shoes-Type-A-personality-over-achievers,” so I’d always naturally done well at school (albeit with some occasional stress) and that didn’t change throughout medical school. I didn’t have trouble making new friends, either. I’d always been able to do that quite naturally because I genuinely love people.
I hadn’t been acutely aware of it, but I guess you could say that I rather liked myself.
Yet, somehow, I’d now found myself looking in the mirror every day, and crying. Correction: Weeping. I’d say out loud all the things I hated about myself. I became preoccupied with the belief that I was ugly.
Whether this was objectively true or not was of no significance.
But I wouldn’t stop there. I’d tell myself, ‘You’re lanky, you’re weird, no-one likes your personality, you’re worthless, you don’t deserve good things.’
Every. single. day.
I’d call my mum in tears and tell her all these things, knowing how hard it must be for a mother to hear. But I wasn’t doing it for reassurance; in fact, I would reject her affirmations. I was doing it because I needed to vent. As far as I was concerned, no-one was going to convince me I was wrong, not even my mother.
The uncomfortable process of adjusting to a foreign environment had triggered a period of overwhelming anxiety and lowness. This progressed into self-loathing because I was so frustrated at myself for not having it together like I used to.
And no-one would have known it.
Are you kidding?!
I was the one giving my friends life advice. I was the girl who was always singing, smiling, laughing, trying to make people happy and loving on them; because this gave me genuine joy, as it still does today.
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
– Robin Williams
Anyone that knows me – and I mean really knows me – knows how much I cringe at compliments and how awkward I get. You might think it’s coming from a place of modesty or humility, but if I’m being really honest with you, I’m still dealing with the after-effects of the things I spoke out over myself all those years ago.
‘Words of affirmation’ are not my love language, because they don’t work on me. I still find myself reading and re-reading comments on The Gram and thinking, ‘They can’t be talking about me?!? They’re just trying to be nice.’ I still catch myself staring at my photos until I’ve convinced myself I’m not pretty.
But I’m getting better.
Human nature. It’s a funny thing. We have this tendency towards self-deprecation. Why is it so much easier to put ourselves down in 10,000 ways than to give ourselves just one positive word? Or, is it just me? Is my brain just wired this way? Does everyone else think they’re awesome? Maybe. But, for some reason, I doubt that.
‘Be kind to yourself.’
It’s not just a nice notion, it’s a basic human necessity. But, how?
There are practical and intentional ways we can be kinder to ourselves. I’m not yet where I’d like to be, but I’m soooo far away from where I was. So, let’s get into it.
‘Guard your heart’
It’s not always easy to control our thoughts. Some people live with distressing illnesses which affect their experience of reality. (Read more on psychosis, its causes, and how to get help for yourself or someone you love).
But even for those of us who do not, controlling our thoughts can be extremely difficult. As difficult as it may be, I believe it’s really important that we try. I’d love to share with you some things that have helped me.
However good I get at this, negative thoughts still try to elbow their way into the forefront of my psyche.
So, how do I deal with them before they become words? Before they become… life?
‘Casting down imaginations’
Having negative thoughts about ourselves is one thing, but speaking them out loud is another. It makes us believe them. That’s what happened to me, anyway. But, how do you stop a negative thought in its tracks before it finds its way out of your mouth?
Well, I try to ask myself, ‘would a friend say this to me?’ and more importantly, ‘would God say this to me?’ It’s important to know the difference between the convicting voice of the Holy Spirit and the accusing tone of the enemy.
There’s another scripture that I find really helpful with this. It’s 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (in good ol’ KJV):
“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
Let’s break this down just a little.
These are the words of the apostle Paul, one of the early promoters of the good news of Jesus. To put this into context, he’s talking about how the early church dealt with its opposition and persecution. The power to do this came only from God. They couldn’t rely on any physical or “carnal” weapons. I try to apply this concept to the daily battle of the mind. I rely on what I know about God’s nature to recognise when a thought is from Him, and when it’s a lie of the enemy.
When a lie is detected, it can be cast down, because it’s just an imagination. No matter how big or “high” that thing is, it’s coming down. Not in my strength, but His. Together, we’re taking those deceptive thoughts captive and we’re forcing them to obey Christ.
Don’t let negative thoughts become negative words. Cast down the lie before it becomes your truth.
‘Talk to yourself like a friend’
Think about your best friend in the world.
Insert name here ___________.
I bet you think she’s just amazing and you could write essays about why. When it’s time to write her birthday message, you’re all ‘Omg, where do I start?!’ She’s lovely, fun to be around, there for you when you need her. Someone you can laugh and cry with, and someone you trust. She isn’t perfect, by any means. She has major character flaws. She gets on your last nerve. She’s a beautiful and complex combination of all these things and more – and you love her for it.
Imagine getting a weepy phone call from your best friend, telling you everything she despises about herself.
How do you respond?
Do you tell her, ‘Yeah, you’re right. You’re annoying and unattractive. I agree, you’re ‘too much.’ Yep, you’re a bad friend, a bad daughter and it’s your fault your relationships don’t work out. And yeah, you’re a loser.’ ?
Well?
It’s easy to see the good in other people, and to love them – flaws and all. It goes against our instinct to extend ourselves the same courtesy. But it’s vital that we do.
It’s easy forget it, but, that best friend I just described, is you.
Earlier, I alluded to the question, ‘would a friend say this to me?’ Now, I want to challenge you; talk to yourself like a friend.
Say nice things to yourself out loud.
Yes, talk to yourself. I do it all the time now (seriously, lol). I make a conscious effort to say the exact opposite of the things I used to say to myself. Don’t worry if it sounds cliché or feels uncomfortable. No-one’s around to hear you anyway. It doesn’t even need to be how you’re feeling in that moment. Just go for it.
‘You’re beautiful. You’re talented. You’re smart. You’re not perfect, but you’re trying to do better. You’re nice to people and you’re a good friend. Jesus loves you and you’re loved by many others. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay that you’re struggling, God’s power works best in your weakness.’
Proverbs 18:20-21 says (in the Easy-to-Read version):
“Your words can be as satisfying as fruit, as pleasing as the food that fills your stomach. The tongue can speak words that bring life or death. Those who love to talk must be ready to accept what it brings.”
We need to stop dressing up hurtful words as ‘tough love.’ Yes, it’s important to be self-aware, recognise and evaluate the qualities in ourselves that aren’t cute, and work on them.
The toxicity that I’m addressing here is not tough love. It’s the unhealthy patterns of self-contempt that need to stop. The words that have no purpose but to open up our emotional wounds and rub salt in them.
Make the decision to speak the words that bring life.
‘A bit of sparkle’
Prioritise your well-being and happiness. Invest in things that you enjoy, for no other reason than to simply enjoy them.
Because, why the heck not?
*Something about L’Oréal.*
You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to do something nice for yourself. And you don’t have to wait for someone to give you what you want; you might be waiting a little while. Celebrate the smallest of victories. Make cute plans. Having things to look forward to can help you get through a tough day.
Money doesn’t buy happiness. I know, I know. But we spend our lives toiling and striving for our pennies, just to save up for the next thing. Sometimes, we just need to treat ourselves. Life’s too short. If it’s within your means, it’s not reckless to:
- Take yourself on a spa day
- Go on that island holiday
- Buy yourself a TV for your room so you can watch Disney+ all day on your days off (just me? okay)
- Eat out at your favourite restaurant
- Get dressed up and go to the theatre
- Take long, hot baths with candles, a cuppa and a good book
As long as you’re wise with your money and time, exercise common sense and do some degree of budgeting – there’s no reason why you should deny yourself some of these (in the grand scheme of things, small) things which can add a bit of sparkle to everyday life. Fill your life with what you love; the hobbies, interests, and passions that make you tick.
And it’s not all about ‘things.’
The best ‘things’ in life are free.
Surround yourself with people you actually like spending time with, not those who drain you of energy or make you miserable. It’s really that simple.
Love your enemies, but sometimes do this from a safe distance to protect your own sanity and security. Remember, guard your heart above all else.
My fellow believers; don’t forsake quiet time. Don’t make it a chore. Setting aside time to spend alone with God is the most intentional act of self-care, peace and clarity that you can practice.
‘Feeling brave’
All the concepts I have attempted to explore today involve active rather than passive processes. Left unchecked, our minds tend to run wild and fancifully free with malicious and disagreeable intent.
It’s taken me a long time to start to like myself again. I couldn’t have gotten here without accepting that my flaws don’t make me unloveable, or without daring to acknowledge that I do, in fact, have some positive qualities.
You’re the only you you have. You’re with you all the time. There’s no one on this earth you spend more time with than, well, YOU! So, you absolutely have to prioritise being a pleasant person for you to be around. You wouldn’t want to spend your entire life joined at the hip to someone who does nothing but speak negativity into your existence, would you? So don’t be that person. Give yourself a break.
Be your friend.
Be nicer to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Sometimes, all the self-care in the world isn’t quite enough to help someone through their troubles. Regardless of your background, social status, or beliefs about mental heath, I’m here to tell you that there is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help if that’s what you need.
Healthcare professionals did not go through all those years of training for you to sit at home and suffer all by yourself. Your well-being is intrinsically important. You deserve to be happy. Here are some ways you can access support, if you’re feeling brave enough take that first step:
- Make an appointment with your GP
- Refer yourself for counselling
- Call Samaritans, a free 24/7 helpline on 116 123
- For urgent help, you can call NHS 111 or attend your local Emergency Department (A&E)
Xtine