It would be remiss of me not to address the elephant in the room; that being the 3.5 years it’s been since I last released a post (lol).
Firstly, hello again! How have you been? It’s really nice to have you back around these parts of the web after such an outrageously long time. You’ve been missed. If you are new here, you are most welcome.
Depending on how invested you are in this blog, you may or may not have been wondering where on earth it’s been for the last 3.5 years. Whether you’ve been wondering or not, I thought I would give some insight. After all, The Xtine Project was wholly unsolicited and, naturally, so is its content. Unapologetically so, I might add.
There are many ways I could begin, and many ways to explain why it’s been so long. To be honest, I know I don’t really need to explain at all. But writing has always helped me to make sense of things and I am more than happy to share my thought process with you.
The short answer is: I just haven’t been up to it. For the slightly longer answer, if you are interested, I invite you to keep reading.
‘Masterpiece’
I can’t say it’s because I’ve been busy. I mean, sure, I have been busy to say the very least. But haven’t we all? With some intentionality and time management— however difficult— we can make room for our responsibilities and priorities. I have no intention of pulling the “busy” or “no time” card.
I could, however, say that— at least in part— it’s been a challenging time. Don’t get me wrong, I have so much to be grateful for. In the last 3.5 years I have become a godmother, gained two sisters, celebrated many more of my closest loved ones, past exams, loved and been loved, travelled to new countries, sung at more weddings, helped deliver babies, finished hospital rotations, planned events, made decisions for my well-being, kept breathing, dreamed dreams, seen dreams come to life, made dear friends, had scary tests which came back normal, written songs, turned 30 (after turning 28 and 29, of course), become a puppy-aunty— and much more.
I have also grieved over what I lost or never had, navigated changing dynamics in friendships, been disillusioned, nursed a broken heart, battled anxiety, questioned my purpose, grappled with loneliness, felt overwhelmed, struggled to recognise myself. Life is full of high notes and lows notes; all parts carefully woven together to form a beautiful masterpiece. I know this with all my heart— yet it doesn’t mean the low notes don’t hurt, and that’s okay. There is still overwhelming victory through Christ. See Romans 8:35-38.
Perhaps it hasn’t felt “right” to write when I’ve been feeling this way. Maybe I needed to rest. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” they say, and rightly too. However, you see, true rest does not come from ceasing work alone, but from a Person. Taking a break from writing— something I loved and was never a chore— was never going to give me rest unless I had also gone to the Source of rest Himself.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.””
Matthew 11:28–30 NLT
There is also the matter of what our mood can do to our interests.
We all experience a loss of interest in things at times. When we feel low, there can be a barrier to engaging in the things we enjoy— things that might actually make us feel a bit better— simply because we are “not in the mood.” I’m sure most would agree that this is quite normal, and usually improves once our mood does.
A persistent loss of interest in or enjoyment of things you usually enjoy can be a symptom of depression*, which you can read more about here. It’s important to see your GP if you feel you might be experiencing depression.
I can’t really say that I’ve “not been in the mood” for 3.5 years, but it has occasionally played a role.
‘Journey’
I think the explanation for the hiatus mostly comes down to what I’m going to say next.
Okay, brace yourself, Chris.
Procrastination. Ugh. Such a rude word. So much so that I rarely say it out loud, let alone admit to it. It is usually understood as “putting off” or delaying an activity— despite its urgency or importance— because it is stressful, boring or unpleasant. But what if the activity is not stressful, boring or unpleasant at all?
There is another word that starts with ‘P’ that is related to procrastination. Not so much as with a distant cousin, but more like a long lost half-remembered half-sibling.
Perfectionism. Ah yes, that bittersweet trait that consistently overachieves whilst simultaneously undervaluing said overachievements. In other words, no matter how much one strives, nothing is ever “good enough.”
Perfectionism can be a symptom of low self-esteem, something I have been no stranger to— see Be Kind To Yourself and Self-Love. The attainment of perfection falsely promises to dispel all feelings of inferiority and low self-worth, whilst actually creating an insatiable monster in the process.
I’ve recently learnt that perfectionism can also stem from an intolerance of some sort, whether that’s of uncertainty, rejection, failure, embarrassment— or anything. This intolerance leads to actions and decisions designed to avoid the intolerable fear at all costs. This could manifest in the form of various coping mechanisms such as an astute attention to detail or excessive checking. Another way it could present itself is through avoidance.
It makes sense. Sometimes, you want something to be so perfect that the very thought of even attempting it is too overwhelming. So, you don’t pick up the pen, the paintbrush, the screwdriver, the tennis racket, the microphone. You’re no longer sure if you can bear its weight.
And so slowly, over time, an achievement which could have been perfectly “good enough” becomes a victim of what it could never be; and subsequently, it never is.
This has got to change.
I’m not writing as someone who has seen the light and has resolved to post every fortnight again— but as a woman on a journey. After all, that’s why I started this blog in the first place. Step by step, through reflection and the necessary work, I will tackle the two ‘P’s— which will require a third ‘P’ on my part.
Patience.
If I continue to wait until I have something remarkable to share, I might be waiting a long time. So, here I am— as imperfect as imperfect can be— and learning to embrace the journey once more.
All my love,
Xtine
*If you are struggling with any of the symptoms of depression (e.g. persistent low mood, lack of energy & loss of interest in things you usually enjoy) then please consider seeing your GP. There is a wealth of support available, whether or not you receive a diagnosis.
Here are a few other things you can do:
- Talk to a trusted friend or family member
- Refer yourself to a psychological therapies service (you do not need to have a diagnosed mental health condition to do this)
- Call Samaritans, a free 24/7 helpline on 116 123
- For urgent help, you can call NHS 111 or attend your local Emergency Department (A&E)
As a new subscriber to the Project, first of all, let me say, WOW, your writing style is amazing!
But secondly, as someone who recognises the struggles with both perfectionism and fleeting interest levels, I definitely empathise with this article!
Welcome back, and I look forward to seeing what this next chapter brings!
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words! It feels good to be sharing again. 🙂