“You can have a sense of self-worth without thinking you’re the most important person in the world.” – Matt Chandler
Self-love seems to be on trend at the moment. I love that we’re talking about it because it’s a topic that’s so, so dear to my heart. I felt a little grieved a while ago to see that some Christians were berating the idea of self-love, and I wondered whatever caused them to hold such views. So, you know the drill; here’s my take.
Firstly, let’s talk about what self-love isn’t.
Self-love isn’t self-centred.
Definition of self-centred: “preoccupied with oneself and one’s affairs.”
Self-love isn’t prideful.
Definition of prideful: “having an excessively high opinion of oneself.”
Self-love isn’t selfish.
Definition of selfish: “lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”
So, what is self-love?
The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘self-love’ as “regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.” The question of whether we are ‘called to self-love’ has been the source of much debate amongst Christians and I was curious as to why.
There seems to be two extremes in Christian thinking when it comes to this topic. You’ve got the ‘I’-centric ‘health, wealth and prosperity’ movement which is all about self. It’s the ‘what can God do for me?’ A worldly idea of self-love certainly makes sense here. Much of the content we consume today feeds into the narrative that we are each, individually and simultaneously, the centre of the universe.
Then there’s the ‘I-am-but-a-wicked-sinner-undeserving-of-anything-good’ camp. Although it deals with the important elements of humility and total reliance on God’s grace, it dwells rather heavily on the fallen nature of man. These somewhat depressing ruminations feel more like self-flagellation than genuine humility at times, and self-love doesn’t always seem to be compatible.
The latter extreme may have its origins in an essential and foundational theme in the faith; ‘dying to self’. Just as Christ was crucified, Christians are called to put to death our carnal nature and deny ourselves the things that do not please God. Spiritually speaking, we’re crucified along with Christ in order to be raised again with Him in righteousness. Practically speaking, it’s the daily sacrifices we make to follow Him.
“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”
– Matthew 16:24 ESV
“Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
– John 12:25 ESV
These scriptures, if misunderstood, can give rise to a bit of confusion when it comes to self-love.
I hope to convince you that self-denial, death to self, and a healthy recognition of one’s own fallenness do not exist outside of self-love.
“As yourself.”
That verse I quoted from the book of John… you know, that one that says, “anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life”? How on earth does that correlate with self-love?
Well, we need to read what the Bible says, and not what it does not say.
For one, it does not say, “anyone who hates himself.”
Okay. But… do we really need to hate our lives?
Jesus would sometimes use hard-hitting language like this to drive a point home. My understanding of this scripture is that of a very simple message. I believe that to “hate one’s life” is to avoid placing higher value on our earthly life than our eternal one. It’s a tough reminder to prioritise pleasing God over pleasing ourselves with worldly things.
If Jesus had loved His life more than He loves us, He wouldn’t have been our perfect sacrifice. But you can’t convince me that He didn’t love Himself.
“Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”
Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’
On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
– Matthew 22:35-40
This well-known and frequently quoted scripture about the two greatest commandments, for me, introduces the concept of self-love. It’s within the context of the command to “love your neighbour as yourself” wherein lies the assumption of a degree of love for oneself.
Please, don’t get me wrong.
The first and greatest commandment is to love God. I love God because He first loved me. Coming into a true revelation of and immersing myself in the love of God has been my ultimate healing.
The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbour. I don’t mean to take away from this. Self-love isn’t the “third greatest commandment” as I saw someone write. Strong’s Concordance defines the Hebrew word used here for ‘neighbour’ as; “according to Christ, any other man irrespective of nation or religion with whom we live or whom we chance to meet.”
It’s clearly paramount that we love our neighbour; this is the point of the scripture.
But when it comes to self-love, could it be as simple as two words that we’ve overcomplicated? “As yourself.”
I’m not saying that we’re “called to self-love” by some divine instruction. It doesn’t have to become this huge doctrinal issue. There’s simply an assumption that we love ourselves. And somehow, we’ve managed to undo this in the name of selflessness.
I was listening to John Piper speaking on this topic and it challenged me to the core. The idea that we all inherently have self-love which drives everything that we do. He describes self-love as man’s pursuit of gratification. We seek the things that make us happy and avoid the things that make us sad – and mostly, we do this subconsciously. It’s almost as simple as basic survival instinct. And he puts it to us that this is the same way that Jesus calls His followers to look out for the needs of others. Harrowing to say the least; I know I don’t measure up to that.
But it made me think deeply about self-love. I’ve been thinking about the times when the idea of it was unfathomable to me. And I wonder whether there’s more to it than survival.
And I guess that’s what I want to explore today.
Self-esteem vs. self-love
We regularly talk about the importance of self-esteem, but for some reason, we get a little uncomfortable when the conversation turns to ‘self-love.’ Interestingly enough though, we’re actually encouraged to esteem others above ourselves!
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
– Philippians 2:3-4
I think there’s a difference between esteem and love. But hold that thought.
The Greek word for “esteem” in this context refers to “coming first in priority, such as: ‘the leading thought’ in one’s mind, i.e. to esteem (regard highly).”
I like that. The “leading thought.”
It creates, for me, an image of a natural inclination towards the consideration of others and their needs before my own. I wouldn’t want ‘me’ to be the leading thought in my mind (!).
P.S. Don’t miss that it doesn’t say we shouldn’t look out for our own interests at all – read it again!
Esteeming others better than ourselves is not about thinking that others are ‘better than us’ – in our eyes, they may not be. And it certainly does not require us to have a low opinion of ourselves. It challenges us to live selflessly, always looking out for ways we can serve the needs of others. The same way that Jesus did not count His equality with God as something to hold onto as He washed His disciples’ feet. He was infinitely ‘better than them’ but treated them as if He were not. He humbled Himself to become their servant.
If you’re anything like me, you may have a slight tendency to belittle and undervalue yourself… and you might even feel that you’re called to value others in place of yourself, rather than simply before yourself. This leads to a false sense of humility, unhealthy self-related cognitions, self-neglect… and we ultimately miss what these passages of scripture are really saying.
A mindset of selflessness isn’t supposed to take away from our self-esteem. It’s simply about prioritising others.
Okay, so we get the whole ‘esteem’ thing. How is it different to love?
Well, having a high opinion of someone is not the same as loving them… is it? Love… love is different. Love is affection and care and friendship.
God’s perfect, unconditional agape love – which He demonstrated by giving us His Son – is distributed to His creation in equal measure.
If God’s love for us is equal, then what should our love be for each other and ourselves? Equal… I guess?
But is it?
We’re human, so we fall short. People do awful things; so naturally, there are people who aren’t easy to love. Including ourselves. On a daily level, we distribute love to varying degrees depending the value we assign to the people we encounter. Including ourselves.
But love was never meant to have degrees. The Bible says, “love your neighbour as yourself.” Not better than yourself, as with esteem… just an observation.
According to the two greatest commandments, there’s only one hierarchy of love that we can ascribe to:
- God.
- All people, including ourselves.
I really believe it’s meant to be that simple.
But, as usual, we’ve created our own order of things. Some place themselves slap bang at number one, whilst others don’t even feature.
The Bible warns us that people will become “lovers of themselves” in the last days. I can tell you from experience, striving to achieve self-love outside of the love of God just didn’t make sense. It didn’t work, it wouldn’t stick – no matter how hard I tried. Trying to conjure up self-acceptance or attempting to rid myself of my own guilt and shame was futile. Placing self-love above our love for God is idolatry. Discovering self-love within God’s love for us is beautiful.
Unconditional love
The way we regard ourselves – in other words, our self-esteem – can change from moment to moment, depending on the standards we’ve set up.
There are lots of things about me that I love. When I feel like I’m thriving in these areas, it’s easy to feel amazing about myself. Some days, I feel like an absolute queen – like I’m winning at life and no one can talk to me anyhow. Other days, when I dwell on the things I don’t like, I feel like a worm.
Yes, we should absolutely cultivate healthy self-esteem. But unconditional love transcends and overrides fleeting feelings about worth. It’s a daily choice to say that despite how much of a flailing mess I may be, “I am worthy of love simply because I exist, and I exist simply because God loves me.”
It’s understanding that being phenomenal doesn’t make me any more worthy of this love, nor does having a down day make me any less. It’s knowing that my intrinsic value is not based on my opinion of myself in a given moment, but on the fact that I was created by God in love, to love, and to be loved. It’s learning to love me, and not just the things about me.
Esteem and love are not the same, but they do have an intimate relationship which comes into play when we look at unconditional self-love. Unconditional self-love is not dependent on self-esteem, but self-esteem is dependent on unconditional self-love.
Just as we are called to love others unconditionally, so we ought to love ourselves – unconditionally.
Practical love
There’s nothing noble about failing to love ourselves. It has the potential to open the door to all kinds of toxicity, such as abuse.
It also stops us as believers from seeing ourselves as God sees us – and I don’t mean that in the ‘cliché Christian phrase’ sort of way. I can’t stress enough how important it is for us to see ourselves as God sees us. He sees all our mess. He sees it all. And through this mess, He sees His redeemed, His beloved, His adopted children. If we refuse to see ourselves as anything beyond our human failings, how can we believe that God can use us?
Self-loathing is a waste of precious time and resources for the Kingdom. The times when I‘ve struggled to love myself are the times when I’ve stepped away from my clear, God-given callings. Sure, sometimes it’s been a healthy ‘taking-time-out-to-seek-His-face.’ But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the ‘woe-is-me, I’m-not-good-enough-for-this.’
We will never be worthy to do what we do. We’ll never be ‘good enough’ – not on our own, anyway. But that has never stopped God from calling and qualifying His people. Abraham. Moses. David. Peter. Paul. The list goes on. Childdd. If God had to use perfect people to be His hands and feet, what would get done? No really, ask yourself.
Gracious love
To love yourself is not to live blissfully unaware of your faults. As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit to convict us of sin and teach us to live righteously.
To love yourself is to realise that you are worth the investment of bettering yourself. Whether that’s working on your physical, spiritual and emotional health, challenging toxic habits and character traits – you name it. It means recognising and working on the things you need to improve, but showing yourself grace in the process.
Love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). So, to love yourself is to be those things to yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt – yes, you are a mess – but you are a work in progress. Instead, many of us – particularly the high-achievers and perfectionists – wallow in self-pity when we let ourselves down.
Love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiveness is an important subject for Christians, and we talk a lot about forgiving others – we also need to learn how to forgive ourselves. In Christ, there is freedom from guilt and shame. Stop holding grudges against yourself. Forgive yourself, as Christ forgave you.
I recently saw ‘self-love’ being described as “toxic” from the perspective of a Christian online. It broke my heart. I understand, however, where it comes from because of what “culture” has turned it into.
I pray that we would all come into a greater understanding of love – including self-love – through His eyes, by searching His heart and His word. I pray that He would continue to challenge me to understand these things more clearly and correct me where I’ve gotten it wrong.
For me, it all comes down to one question which echoes in my spirit:
If a holy and perfect God could love me, how could I not?
I could go on and on about this topic. Love is everything, and I don’t believe that self-love is a luxury – it’s a very basic necessity.
I really pray that you were able to take even just one useful point away from this, and I hope that you would give yourself permission to love yourself – graciously, practically, unconditionally, and completely, always doing so out of an overflow of our love for God and His for us.
Jesus loves you, and so should you.
As always, lots and lots of love,
Xtine